Ch. 2

Hold on to the way we started
How it all should have gone
Somewhere love was disregarded
And it all came undone
Undone

Oh for a year we were strong and courageous
But we lost it somehow
Oh if there was something that could have saved us
We'd have found it by now

Cuz nothings a breeze
We suffer we bleed
For two hearts to beat as one
We learn as we go
But at least now we know
Something we can't become

MUTEMATH – Lost Year

Ch. 2

“Abby!” Tyler yelled down the sidewalk as I began walking farther into the park.  It was a warm evening, but the way I felt right now made me think I was walking naked in -30 below temperatures.  My whole world felt like it had crashed around me for a second time within a year and I didn’t know where to turn anymore.  Deep down I knew Tyler didn’t mean to sound so nonchalant when I told him I lost the baby, but the other part of me couldn’t think rationally right now and all I could see was him shrugging his shoulders over and over again.  Sure, I wasn’t 100% thrilled either about being unwed and pregnant, especially with a man that I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Silly me to be naïve enough to think a baby could possible make us both see we were meant for each other.  It definitely wasn’t planned, but then again Tyler and I had never been very responsible when we were having sex.  Yes, putting on a condom during the act was probably the easiest thing a couple could do, but it seemed to be the last thing on our minds in the heat of the moment.

“Abby, please come back here.  I’m really am bummed that we aren’t having this baby, but you have to understand that maybe this is a blessing in disguise…”

I stopped in my tracks when these words made it to my ears, and spun around.  “Blessing in disguise?” I hissed.

I watched as Tyler stopped within a foot of me, allowing his words to sink in.  He ran his hand through his longer hair and looked at me with sorrowful eyes.  “That did not come out the way I wanted it to,” he said quietly.

I shook my head slowly back and forth as the tears began rolling down my cheeks and hugged myself tightly.  “Believe me Tyler, I know I’m not ready to be a parent, but it doesn’t make things easier right now for me…”

He took a step towards me and pulled me into him, wrapping his arms tightly around me.  “I know, Abby.  I really am sorry,” he whispered into my hair.  “I love you, I didn’t mean to sound so inconsiderate.”

“I know you didn’t,” I sobbed into his warm chest.  It just seemed like too much to handle.  Brendan’s death was still a fresh cut into my heart and this just seemed to completely re-open the wound that hurt so much.  Brendan was not only my brother but also my best friend.  God bless Tyler for being so understanding and putting up with so much despite the fact we had only been together for a few months before that fateful day in February.  However, there were times, like this one, that I sometimes got the feeling that he only stayed with me because he felt like he was obligated to stay with me.  It probably didn’t help things that my dad was his boss. 

Of course I never had the nerve to confront him about it, mainly because my mental state was so fragile these days.  Gone were the days of total independence, my fiery attitude and strong opinions.  I had always been the out-spoken girl in the family, never settling for less.  Now I was meek, just going along with whatever came along and worried that every phone call was going to be another life altering bit of information.  6 weeks ago that worry came true when the doctor’s office called and said I was pregnant.  Today everything fell off the cliff again when they called to say that my labs were saying I was losing the baby.

“Let’s go back to my place.  I’m not going to let you stay by yourself tonight,” he said quietly as he coaxed me to walk back towards his SUV.

“You have to be up early for your camp…” I half-assed tried to argue my way out of staying with him, knowing that being in his arms was the only thing I needed right now.

“You are my girlfriend, Abby,” he said, basically stating it as if I had no argument that would change his mind, comforting me once more and giving me false hope that maybe there really was more to our relationship than I gave credit for.  I sighed and began moving my feet a little more purposefully as we walked.  I looked over to find him looking at me with his dark eyes searching mine for answers we both didn’t seem to have at this time.  I smiled weakly at him and he smiled back, causing a warm feeling to envelop me.

It was always that way with Tyler.  He made me melt the first day we met, even though it was probably one of the most embarrassing moments for both of us.  I’ll never forget the day because it was around the time that Brendan came out and the whole family was a little on edge about things because we were unsure how people would react.  I loved my brother and I loved him even more for his decision, but not everyone in the world was accepting of people’s decisions.  I was smiling at my Blackberry as I was reading a message that Sean Avery had sent my brother.  My phone had been dinging constantly with new e-mails or text messages Brendan had forwarded to us to see the support or non-support he was receiving.  I was not a huge Sean Avery fan, but his encouraging words definitely made me look at him a little differently.  I was so enthralled with the e-mail that I forgot I was walking down the hall of the Air Canada Centre, which meant I should have been paying more attention to where I was going.   I had just taken a step to pass the locker room door when it suddenly opened with a large dark-haired hockey player walking backwards.  He obviously was not paying any more attention to where he was going than I was because in a blur he barreled right over me.

“Hey!” I gasped, but it had been too late because I was now tumbling to the floor.  I cringed when I heard my Blackberry hit the cement wall aside of me and fall to the floor in what sounded to be in a million pieces.  I instinctively grabbed onto my bowling ball but he too had lost his balance and was already falling with me, making it a given that I was going to be a pancake.

“Shit!” he yelled back as I heard a couple gasps of breathes and a few guys yelling to watch-out.  “Oh my God, I’m soo sorry,” the dark-haired hockey player cried out as he clambered to get off of me.  I couldn’t even leave out a mouse squeak because all the air had been squished out of me as his 200lbs landed on me.  I laid still for a moment on the cold cement floor as he looked worriedly down at me before leaning over and offering me his hand.  “Are you okay?”

I was still unable to talk but at this point I wasn’t sure if it was from the fall and squish episode or the fact that his dark eyes connected with mine as while dark hair fell just perfectly over his face.  So I just nodded my head slowly but quickly snapped out of my trance when I heard my dad saying something as he pushed through the group of players that were all staring at us.

“Abby, what the hell are you doing on the floor?!  What have I told you about playing the damsel in distress in front of hockey players?” he joked as he moved Tyler out of the way so that he could help me up.

I was finally able to let out a nervous laugh as he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.  “Sorry, Daddy, I keep forgetting,” I chided, causing some of the guys laugh along with us.

“Tyler, finding you on top of my daughter is surely not going to get you on the team,” my dad joked with the guy that was turning a bright shade of red.  This joke made all of the guys now begin laughing hysterically.  I opened my mouth to defend him, but my dad had already made that impossible.

A few days later my dad informed me that my body-squisher, Tyler Bozak, was going to be playing for the Leaf’s AHL team, but that he would still be in Toronto just in case I was wondering.  I just shook my head when he winked at me.

“Dad, you of all people know I stay away from hockey players…” I threw back at him.

“And you of all people know I am all for that notion, but there is something about the way you two were speechless the other day that makes me wonder if you didn’t have a connection,” my dad said in all seriousness.  He had become a softie and all about love since he married my step-mom, Jennifer.

“Whatever, Daddy,” I rolled my eyes as I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.  “I’ll take the information as is.”

The next evening I was sitting in the Ricoh Coliseum watching a Toronto Marlies game with a couple of my friends.  We giggled when Tyler spotted me sitting behind the bench.  I knew he saw me, not because he waved, but because he turned the same shade of bright red he had turned the evening he fell on top of me.  After the game he tapped on the glass behind the bench and told me to meet him by the locker rooms. 

“I don’t date hockey players,” I informed him breathlessly as he pushed me up against his SUV in the parking lot of the Coliseum.

“I don’t date the GM’s daughter,” he said with a sly smile as his lips came crashing down on mine.

That night I found myself tangled up in his big, solid body, panting out his name as he showed me that being under him could be a more pleasurable experience.  We became inseparable after that.  I was always over at his place or he was over at my apartment.

My dad was right, he always told me to stay far away from the hockey players.   My brothers would always scare the shit out of any of their teammates that asked about me or my sisters, even if they were just asking if we were in the same class because they needed help with homework.  However, my dad was also right when he said that he saw a connection between Tyler and me.  That connection took us through a whirlwind of emotions together and tonight was just another example of the messes we had been through together, somehow tying us closer together while tearing us farther apart.

I knew that after tonight I would have to make a real decision on what I was going to do.  He was right; losing the baby was probably a blessing and a warning sign that it was time to walk away from everything I turned into these past several months.  I needed to move on and find myself once again.

Tyler fell asleep long before I did.  He was softly snoring beside me as I looked over and imprinted his peaceful look in my mind.  I then rolled over onto my back, looked up at the familiar ceiling and silently spoke to Brendan like I did every night since he had been taken from the earth.

“Watch over my baby and please help me make the right decision.”