Ch. 3

Will I ever get to, to where it is that I am going?
Will I ever follow through with what I... with what I have planned
I guess it's possible, that I have been a bit distracted
And the directions for me are a lot less in demand.
Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction. Yeah, would I even care?
I would.
I take a look around, it's evident the scene has changed.
And there are times when I feel improved, improved upon the past.
And there are times when I can't seem to understand at all.
And yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere really fucking fast.

Incubus – Nowhere Fast

Ch. 3

My first day at training camp in Toronto was mass chaos.  Fans were everywhere and it was hard to even hear Coach Wilson bark out orders for drills because the practice facility was so loud.  I looked around the ice and a small feeling of uneasiness came over me when I realized I didn’t really know any of these guys that would be my teammates.  It was almost as if it was my first day in a new school.  The one thing that made the transition a little easier was the fact that it was the first day of school for over half the guys.  It was easier than getting traded in the middle of the season, something I hoped to never deal with, but it was always a possibility in the NHL.

“So do you think your experience with winning the Cup will help here in Toronto?” a young reporter asked as we were in the locker room.  It was at least the 20^th time I had answered either the same question or one similar to it.  I just laughed easily and smiled like I always did for the cameras and gave the same answer I gave the other 19 times.  “I would like to think so.  I’m definitely excited to be apart of such an up and coming team; you can tell Brian Burke and Ron Wilson have one goal in mind here and that is to bring the Cup to Toronto.  I’m just glad to be apart of the team to help make that goal a reality.”

“Will we hear you rapping this year in the locker room?” another reporter piped up.  I could hear myself internally groan and I pictured smacking myself in the head for doing that interview with Sarah Spain that seemed so long ago now as I stood in the Maple Leaf’s locker-room.  However, I always prided myself in being open and honest with the media.  I was never one to sit in front of the camera or microphone and give a robot interview, I had a personality and I wasn’t afraid of letting it shine when it was appropriate.

“Heh,” I laughed a little.  “Maybe, but I don’t want to scare any of my new teammates just yet,” I smiled easily with a wink, garnering laughter from the dozen or so reporters standing within earshot.

It was good to be back at my job.  The summer had been a complete whirlwind.  Of course everything changed when Dawn walked out of my house that night in the end of June, but I can’t say it changed for the worse.  She was right; I had a lot of growing up to do, especially when it came to being in a relationship.  As much as I missed her, I was glad to be on my own and not have to worry if my decisions would affect anyone but me.

The day the Cup came to Lethbridge was probably the best day of my life.  I made sure my best friends and brothers were involved in my big day, because this was a dream that not only I had as a child, but a dream they also had when we played street hockey on Larkspur St.  It was a bittersweet day because I was celebrating my time with the team that gave me a chance to prove myself, yet I was celebrating the fact that I was beginning a new chapter in my life.  Even my family was going through some changes.  The settlement papers of my childhood home were signed just under two weeks after my day with the Cup.  I bought my parents a larger home outside of town for them to enjoy.  As excited as we all were to be moving into a bigger home, we were just as sad to leave behind the home that held so many memories for us.

“Thanks for making this day something I’ll never forget,” my best friend Jeff saluted me with his beer bottle as we all sat around the campfire in my Grandparent’s backyard.

“Without you guys, I wouldn’t be where I am,” I saluted him back along with a couple of the other guys we had grown up with.  Jeff and I had known each other since grade school, my friend Trevor and I had grown up as neighbors, Freddy played hockey with all of us since Pee-Wee, and of course my younger brothers Mitch and Bryce were always tagging along.  We were a packaged deal; causing trouble in class and in the hallways, celebrating victories on the ice, drinking away memories of past girlfriends and of course pushing each other in hopes to someday hoist the Cup.

“Here, here!” their voices echoed into the night.

After some silence Trevor cleared his throat and looked over at me.  “So, is it officially done with you and Dawn?”

The question kind of surprised me.  I mean, Dawn had been apart of our group since high school and I had announced to the guys that we had split, but being guys, we just didn’t talk about relationships too often, unless it had to do with banging some hottie of course.  I took a swig of my beer and pulled it away from my lips as I became suddenly interested in the label.  “Yeah, I’d say its official…Why?”

I looked back over at Trevor and found him staring at the ground before looking up at me, obviously having the same problem in the eye contact department.  “I wanted to let you know that I asked her to go out on a date at the end of this week,” he said quietly, but this time not breaking eye contact with me.

The original question surprised me, but this one just shocked the hell out of me.  “Whoa,” was all I could say.  The crackling of the fire wood seemed to spell out the tension that had suddenly fallen around us.  “Trevor, she deserves someone a lot better than me,” I said after a pause.

My best friend looked at me and a small smile curled up his lips.  “No hard feelings?”

I ignored the constricting feeling in my chest and laughed it off.  “Fuck no.”  I took another sip of my beer in attempt to wash away the faint bitterness in the words I just spoke.

That night I lay in my bed letting all the day’s events filter through.  The first and last memory that came to the forefront of my mind was Trevor request to date Dawn.  How could I be mad at him?  He stuck to the code, he asked me before just assuming it was okay to make a move on her.  Plus, I was the one who had ruined everything with her.  Trevor definitely would treat her right and I was glad to know that Dawn would most likely be happier with him; most of all, he wouldn’t cheat on her.

As much as I didn’t want to see it, I had changed.  I liked to think of myself as still being the same old Kris, but the money and fame had changed me and probably not for the best when it came to relationships.  I had taken Dawn for granted.  However a conversation with my mom the day after the break-up still left me pondering if that was the whole reason our relationship had failed.

“I’m assuming that you and Dawn are through?” Mom asked as I stared into my bowl of Lucky Charms the morning after Dawn walked out.

“Yeah, it’s looking like that.  I know I’m not going to chase after her…” I mumbled, without even looking up.  “I should have just asked her to marry me…” I suddenly spoke as tears clouded my vision.

My mom walked around the table and put her hands on my shoulders, massaging them like she always did when one of her sons were upset.  “Why didn’t you propose to her?” she asked in a non-accusing tone.

I sighed and for the first time admitted, “It just didn’t feel right.”

“Well then you did the right thing by not proposing.  Lying to yourself is one thing, but lying to your heart is a whole other matter.”

Ever since that day I would wake up and think about those words and realizing that they didn’t have to do with just love but also with everyday life and decisions.  It was that night I decided to make sure I kept that advice with me as I moved onto Toronto.

“So what do you think of it here?” Phaneuf asked as he took a seat next to me during a team dinner a day before our home opener against the Habs.

“Well, I’m excited for the season opener tomorrow, I have a feeling it’s going to be completely insane,” I smiled thinking about how crazy our pre-season games had been and to be playing one of our biggest rivals in a season opener was probably going to be 10x crazier.

“I can’t imagine the media is much different than Chicago…” he mused.

“Nah, not too much different, unless you compare it to my first season with the Hawks, when no one cared.”

“Well, hopefully we can bring some renaissance to this team this year,” he said in that hopeful tone that every hockey player, especially the Captain of the team, should have at the beginning of a season.  Dion was definitely a lot different from Taser.  Jon was actually a really funny guy, but when he truly did take everything seriously.  With Jon the guys always chirped at him to get under his skin; with Phanuef, he was the one chirping everyone else.  It was a young locker room and I was excited to be apart of it and starting fresh.

“Abby!” I heard one of the guys call out as a dark haired girl passed by our table.

“Hey, Boyce,” she smiled back easily at him as Bozak quickly stood up and moved towards her, lightly placing a hand on the small of her back.  It seemed like they were together but it was evident they were both going through the motions. 

She was medium height, a few inches shorter than me with a slender build.  She had thick, dark, straight hair that came to rest half way down her back.  Her eyes were a light green and it was obvious to me that she wasn’t smiling to her full potential as she stood and talked with Bozak and Kessel.  She had a killer body that was clad in a pair of black dress pants and a light grey v-neck, sleeveless shirt.  Something about her didn’t allow me to stop staring, even though I knew it wasn’t polite.

Tyler Bozak, or Bozie as most of the team called him, was actually considered one of the veterans of the team because he was one of the few players left from last season.  He was a nice kid, always had something funny to say and was often paired with Kessel on the ice.

“That’s Abby Burke,” Luca Caputi whispered next to me, like I should be informed.  “She and Bozie have been together for a little more than a year…even though I don’t think it’s going to be last much longer.”

“Oh?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow as I pealed my eyes away from the couple and looked at my narrator.

“Yeah, I live with Bozak and from what I’ve been able to figure out, he’s just staying with her because he doesn’t want to upset the bossman,” Luca said pointblank.

“Is she that bad?” I half chuckled.

“Oh hell no, she’s a great girl, it’s just that she’s been through so much, like the rest of the Burke family, with the death of Brendan and I think her and Tyler have just grown apart.  Truthfully, I think over half of this team would hit her if we had the chance, but I’m not a believer in mixing business with pleasure,” he laughed at his own joke, causing me to laugh with him as I stole one last glance over at Abby. 

I saw her a few times in passing after that, but never close enough to introduce myself.  Once January came, the scuttlebutt in the locker-room said she had moved away and Tyler was now free to play the field without any worry.  I just nodded my head at the common gossip and went back to lacing my skates, knowing I had another night of hard-work cut out for me and guys on the ice.  Even though the season started out with high expectations with initial success, we were almost at the half-way point and turmoil was surrounding the team.  Some girl I had never met was the least of my worries at this point.