Ch. 25

Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind
Wouldn't mind it
If you were by my side
But you're long gone
Yeah you're long gone now

Keane – Bad Dream

Ch. 25

First Round: Flyers win series in 5 games.

Second Round: Flyers win series in 6 games.

Conference Finals: Flyers win series in 6 games.

Stanley Cup Finals: Flyers win series in 7 games.

Flyers are your 2011 Stanley Cup Champions.

Broad St. Philadelphia was completely out of control.  I didn’t think a city could party harder than Chicago, but the city of Philadelphia proved me wrong.  It was a sea of Orange and Black all around town and I was trashed off my ass with my brothers during the parade.  Another classic rap was made for the occasion, this time I nailed it.  Damn, it felt great to be a Stanley Cup Champion 2 years in a row.

As much as I wanted to forget it and push it out of my head, there was still a piece of the puzzle that was completely missing.  Come game time, I had been 100% focused and could keep my mind from going through all the loops on the rollercoaster ride of emotions.  Come down time, I would be a complete mess and it felt as if I was spiraling out of control.  I fucking hated her.  I should have figured she was capable of something like this, especially given how long she lied to me.  Yet the other part of me wanted to remember how broken she probably was, causing me to sympathize and rationalize everything.  This is exactly why I’ve always been the independent kind.  It was going to be a long time until I trusted another woman.

The night we won the Cup in Philadelphia, I fucked two different girls after becoming totally obliterated.  It was the first time I touched another woman since Abby and as much as it felt good it felt just as terrible at the same time.

The week after winning the Cup, I stayed in the city to take care of the normal team PR business that came along with a Championship and found myself with a different girl each night.  It would dull the ache for a bit but not for long.  It was really bad when they would say something that either Abby would have said or would have made fun of me about.

The one night this one girl made a comment about the Audi, saying how it was such a sweet car and how it was the perfect set of wheels.  Before Abby, I would have grinned and noted her good sense of style.  That night I ended up choking on my own spit, wishing to God she would just complain about how it was typical for a guy like me to own a car like that.

The night before I was leaving for Lethbridge I was over in Jersey, at Sea Isle Heights, partying with Carter, Leino, Richards and Carcillo at some dive bar along the boardwalk.  I was totally fucked up and about ready to find a place to take the shore-trash I had picked up to get a quick hit when I felt a hand come down on my shoulder, effectively stopping me in my tracks.

“Dude, don’t fucking do it,” Richie growled in my ear so that only I could hear him.

“Why the hell not?” I spat back, more than annoyed with my friend.

“She ain’t fucking worth it.”

“Your right, Abby isn’t worth it and that’s why I’m doing whatever the hell I please,” I slurred.

“No, that’s where you’re wrong.  Abby is worth it and this chick isn’t worth it.  You are on a crash course to Hell my friend.”

“She doesn’t care about me.  Hell, she’s probably fucking Tyler as we speak…” I yelled, calling some attention to myself as people walked past us.  I saw the bouncer begin to walk in our direction as I pushed Richie away from me.

Richie grabbed me by the shirt and drug me outside into the cool sea-salted air.  “She’s not with Tyler you stupid ass.”

“What?”

“I said she’s not with Tyler.  I talked to Lupul yesterday and asked him,” Mike said in a quieter voice.  “Loops actually took her out to dinner, hoping to start something with her but all she did was talk about how she was never dating hockey players again.”

“Stop bullshitting me.”

“I’m not bullshitting you.”

“Then what the fuck is going on?!  Why did she lie to me?!” I threw my hands up into my hair, dropping myself backwards against the brick wall of the building.

“I wish I had an answer to that.”

“So all my paperwork is in for the University of Toronto,” I announced proudly to Kristy as I walked out of the admissions office.  It was the middle of June and she was up visiting with me and the rest of my family.  Unbeknownst to her, Patrick was going to propose to her while she was here.  Some could easily see it as rushing things, but I saw it as the most perfect thing to do.  They would actually be engaged for a year or two before they finally did tie the knot, but they were perfect for each other.

“I can’t believe you are going to go to Law School,” she laughed.  “I think you are totally crazy.”

“This just makes the most sense…”

My words just caused Kristy to snort at me.  “I don’t think anything you’ve ever done has made any sense to me, at least not since you’ve moved back here to Toronto.  You just keep telling yourself all these things,” she waved me off.

“Why can’t you just support me?!” I stopped and whined.

“Because you’re my best friend and I totally think you are off your rocker some days,” she spouted back, annoying me even farther.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Call him and beg for forgiveness.”

“Um, no.”

Kristy got in my face and stared me down.  “Tell me you don’t love him.”

“I don’t love him.”

“Ha! I knew it! You can’t even keep your eyes focused on mine when you say it.  You’re totally lying!” she exclaimed happily as she began bouncing down the sidewalk.

“Wait! Let me try it again! I swear I’m not lying!”

“Nope, you got your chance and you can’t even not lie to your best friend.  I’m appalled,” she yelled at me playfully yet in a tone that also told me she wasn’t overly happy about my lies.

 I can’t even lie to myself properly.  Throughout the playoffs I found myself constantly looking for him on the TV, hanging on every interview he might have done to the point that I’d look things up on the internet just to see him and hear him.  It was as if I was a junky trying to quit a habit but having no luck because every time I’d see him I felt my heart rip open a little bit more.  It was getting harder and harder to defend my decision but my stubbornness kept me from picking up the phone and calling him.

He looked good, in that scruffy, lumberjack way.  His beard was full, his hair was longer and a total mess after games.  My bad dreams were no longer the one’s of Brendan’s accident; now they consisted of hot, passionate scenes with Kris or just random events that occurred during our short relationship.  A close up of his smile and blue eyes was all I needed to begin crying in my sleep.  I would often wake up tangled in my sheets, panting for air, only to find that I was all alone and in need of his warm, hard body wrapped around me.

I had no one to blame but myself.

It was good to be back home in Lethbridge.  It was obvious to me that I needed to be around my family and friends, I needed to get some thing straightened out with myself and most importantly my best friend was getting married which meant a week at the lake with the guys.

“So what exactly happened with you and Abby?” Bryce asked as we sat around the huge bonfire we built by the lake.  It was probably about 2am in the morning and we all had more than our fair share of alcohol on board.  Somehow half of us were still awake, shooting the shit.

“Wait, you don’t have a date to the wedding?” Trevor suddenly sat up in his chair, sounding quite put out by this fact.

“Hold on, hold on!” Freddy yelled dramatically.  “I think the real point to this is, 2-time Stanley Cup winner, Kris Versteeg got dumped?!” he continued loudly talking into the warm night.  “Holy fucking shit.”

“Shut the fuck up Freddy or I’m going to throw you in the fucking lake,” I yelled back, knowing there was no way in hell I could even think about standing up and doing such a thing.  Hell I was at the point that I was pretty much settled on the fact that I’d be spending the whole night out here.

“I think you struck a cord, Freddy,” Jeff laughed.  “So dooo tell Kristopher.”

“Shit happened and because of that, shit is done,” I said, hoping to god I wouldn’t have to explain much more.

“She’s Brian Burke’s daughter,” Bryce so smartly piped up.

A collection of gasps went up around the fire as I groaned and cursed Bryce.  “Well now that you know who it is then you can understand that she’s been through a lot of shit the last two years and unfortunately everything that happened to Brian this past spring really took a toll on her,” I growled, suddenly annoyed by the fact that I felt I needed to defend her.

“So when are you going to go get her back, Casanova?” someone chirped.

“I’m still trying to figure that out,” I mumbled.  I thought I said it to myself, but unfortunately things tend to come out a lot louder than you think when you are drunk.

“Well what are you waiting for, Romeo?  Do I need to do everything for you?” Mitch chuckled.

“Abby,” my dad called out from his home office as I walked by with a load of my laundry.

“Yeah, Daddy?” I stopped and backed up so that I was standing in the doorway.

“Put down the laundry basket and get your ass in here for a moment, would ya?”

I frowned and dropped the basket, thinking about how long it had been since we had a “talk” in the office.  I’m thinking it had to have been at least since I was in the freshman or sophomore year of college.  “What’s up?” I asked as I flopped down on one of the leather chairs.

“So I hear your papers are submitted for the University?” he started out asking.

“Yup.  I should be hearing back within the next day or two about signing up for classes.”

“Have you contacted Drexel yet?”

“No…” I said slowly.  “I just wanted to make sure I was accepted to Toronto first before I dropped there, especially with it being so late and all.”

“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

I dropped my hands on my lap and looked up at him.  “Yes.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Excuse me?”

“You never wanted to go to Law School.”

“Well, I changed my mind.”

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with me would it?”

“This conversation wouldn’t have anything to do with what everyone else has felt they needed to hound me about it, would it?” I countered, suddenly feeling overly annoyed.

“Well if they have been asking why things have changed since the accident, then yes,” Dad said plainly.  “Don’t think I don’t know what you are doing…”

“And what would that be?”

“You are blaming yourself, just like you have since your Mom’s Dad passed away.  Remember, you might be able to fool everyone else around you, but I am not one of those people,” he said in his stern fatherly voice.  “Now what the hell is going on with you?!  If Brendan was here, he’d probably smack some sense into you but since he’s up in Heaven watching, I’m going to do it for him.”

“Daddy…”

“No Daddy me.  You are moving back to Philly in the fall and I don’t care if I have to pack your shit up myself and move it.  And as for Kris…”

“Kris and I are done,” I mumbled.

“Did he say that or did you?”

I just sat there silent, but of course the silence probably spoke volumes.

“I don’t ever remember raising a daughter that shied away from her dreams when shit hit the fan.  I have appreciated all your help around here, but I am better now and I will be going back to my normal life which means you should be doing the same.”

“This is my normal life…”

He just left out an annoyed laugh before glaring across the desk at me.  “You call this mope-ing around and occasional smartass remarks normal?  Less mope-ing and more smartass remarks is your norm, kiddo.”

I just sat there biting my lip knowing deep down inside he was totally correct.

A couple days later…

“Abby!” Jennifer yelled out from the patio as I was swimming with my sisters and Kristy in the pool.

“Yeah?”

“There is some cute guy and girl at the door asking for you.”

“Who is it?”

“He said his name is Mitch?” Jennifer said shrugging her shoulders.

“Do you think it could be Kris’s little brother?!” Kristy squeaked as she quickly swam over to the edge of the pool to join into the conversation.

I shrugged and looked up at Jennifer.  “Well, I guess show them back here and I’ll get out of the pool in the mean time.”

“Okie,” Jennifer said cheerfully.  Of course I didn’t miss the wink she gave Kristy before walking back towards the house.

“Do you have something to do with this?!” I hissed as I pulled myself up on the pool ledge.

“No! I swear to God I didn’t,” Kristy threw up her arms with a sincere look on her face.  “I would never do that to you, you know that.”

I believed her.  She was right, she would never go behind me back and do something drastic like this.  “I wonder who the girl is…” I murmured while wrapping the towel around my waist and at that Jennifer came back outside with the 2 visitors in tow. 

Ch. 24

A/N :Two songs for our soundtrack today... the first one would be considered from Kris's point of view.. the 2nd being Abby's despite the gender role in the song... I'm sure ya'll can see how it fits.

Just wanted to say thank you again for all your comments!! Great to hear from you and I'm glad to hear you are enjoying it, even if we are at a not so happy part in the story... MelTing - I kind of laughed when I read your comment, you always seem to ask the right questions and they are fittingly answered for you in the next chapter. Enjoy!

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do…

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

Sarah McLachlan – Do What You Have to Do

Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

Kenny Chesney – Better As Memory

Ch. 24

“She just quit it like that?” Mitch asked, sounding as shocked as I felt.  It was late Sunday night and I as close as I had come with some of the guys on the team, I still felt bad calling them at this time.  However, I didn’t think twice about calling my brother.

“Yeah, Patrick had warned me that she was falling into a deep depression, but still, I didn’t realize it would come to this,” I sighed into the phone.  “What the fuck do I do?”

“You are asking me what to do?!  I’m the younger brother, I’m supposed to be the one calling you and asking questions like that,” he half joked on the other end of the phone.  “Seriously dude, I have no clue,” he finished sincerely.

“I love her,” was all I could think to say.

“That was obvious the day you brought her along to my game and hell, you weren’t even dating at that point.  She’s a good match for you.”

“You should hear her now though, she’s totally broken and sounding so depressed…” I said as my stomach churned just thinking about her sad voice.

“Can you get up to Toronto?”

“No.  We are playing a game every other night this week; the soonest I might be able to see her would be next week.  We have an away game in Ottawa and then two days off before a game in Buffalo.”

“That might actually work out well, it will give her some time to cool off and maybe things will be better with her dad by that point.  If things are better I’m sure she’ll be a little easier to talk to and persuade into rethinking her decision.”

“See, this is why I called you, those are words of reason that I need to hear right now.”

“I’m sure you would have eventually thought of it that way yourself,” Mitch chuckled.  “Besides, if I know you as well I think I do; I don’t think your going to give up on this girl.  Let it be known that if you do give up on her, I’m totally challenging you to a wrestling match in the basement of Grandma’s house once you win the Cup again this summer.”

“Speaking of Cup’s, you guys going to win the Kelly Cup?” I asked in an attempt to get off the Abby subject for a bit.

“Damn, I hope so.  It would be nice to at least have some sort of championship under my belt to compete against you,” he chirped.

“Yeah, but you’ll always be my little brother,” I joked back.

“This is true, but it could definitely be worse.”

“Suck up.”

“You know it.”

“Love ya Mitch.”

“Love you too, bro.”

“I still don’t understand,” Kristy said as we took a walk around the garden at the hospital.  She was on her Spring Break from school and was somehow able to finagle some days off from The Continental so that she could fly up to be with me.  It was exactly a week and a half after Dad’s accident and he was finally off the ventilator and beginning to be his normal demanding self.  To his insistence and our hesitation, I brought in his laptop and cell phone so that he could do some work from the hospital bed.  “How could you just walk away from something so good and not seem to think twice about it?  You have to think about yourself Abby.”

“That’s exactly what I did and look at what happened?” I exclaimed, becoming slightly annoyed that everyone was questioning my decisions.  I knew what was best for me and I was tired of hearing everyone else’s opinions.  I don’t know how many times I heard the words that I couldn’t blame myself for everything, but what did they know.  It had been my fault several times over the years.  It was my fault that Grandpa died.  If I hadn’t been throwing a temper tantrum about not wanting to go visit, we might have been there before he had his heart attack and we could have called 911 to help save his life.  I remember the look in my mother’s eyes the day of his funeral.  I knew she blamed me, even if she claimed she didn’t.  However, those were the things that never went away, no matter how much older you got.  Sure, I’ve kind of come to believe that when it’s your time, it’s your time, but when it comes to my family I’m still not 100% sold.

“Can I be truthful?” Kristy asked as she stopped walking.

I left out an ironic laugh and shrugged my shoulders, “Since when haven’t you been?”

Kristy frowned before speaking.  “Abby, all you are doing is going back to where you started.  What happened to Operation Happy Abby?  You got so far and now because of one set-back you have totally given up.”

“I’m not giving up, I’m just changing my path,” I said quietly, still digesting the words so that maybe I’d actually believe them at some point.

“You’re being a chicken.”

“Gee, you make me feel so good about myself,” I said sarcastically as I began walking again.

“I’m being your friend, Abby.”

“Well if you’re not going to support me in my decisions, then I don’t want you to be my friend,” I finally snapped.  “I don’t need Kris.  I can make it on my own.”

“You know what?  You are right.  He doesn’t deserve you, Abby,” Kristy snapped back and walked back inside, probably to find Patrick so they could talk behind my back again.

I was bitter, I was unhappy and most of all I was torn apart.

“So do you think it’s worth me making a pit stop in Toronto before heading to Buffalo?” I asked Kristy after she told me everything.  She had stopped over at the apartment to visit me as soon as she got home from Toronto and it was obvious she was exhausted just from dealing with Abby.

“She’s a total head-case right now.  To be honest, I didn’t even know who she was at times.  This is a whole new ballgame,” Kristy sighed as she flopped herself down on my couch and took a sip of the beer I had handed her.  “I think it’s only going to leave you more frustrated and possibly make things worse.”

“I want her back.”

“I understand this, but with the way she’s acting I’m thinking that won’t happen because you will just end up walking away more hurt than you are now.”

“Well that’s not overly reassuring,” I said, trying to laugh about the situation because otherwise I was going to just cry.  I had immersed myself in the game because that is what hockey players did; if something was going on in our personal life, we forgot about it by throwing ourselves into the only thing we knew never changed.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Tyler chirped as I glided around the ice.  It was Monday, April 4^th and Dad was home, beginning a long schedule of physical therapy and rest.  He insisted that I get out of the house and go skating.

“If you don’t get your ass out of this house, I’m going to shove this crutch up your ass Abby,” Dad growled as I sat his breakfast tray down on his bedside table.  “I’m tired of seeing you mope around here for no reason.  If you are going to stay here, then you need to get back to some sort of normalcy.”  I knew he was right, but it was easier said than done.  I was lonely, despite the fact that my family was all around me.  I was angry at myself for treating Kristy the way I did and it was obviously going to take some time to forget Kris.

I cut to a stop, creating a spray of ice in Tyler’s direction.  I wasn’t surprised to find him here, considering I had talked to Boyce while I was lacing up my skates.  I was at the Leaf’s practice facility and the players were always coming and going around here.  “Glad to see Darryl still hasn’t learned how to keep a secret,” I said in a flat tone.

“Good to see you too,” Tyler shook his head and skated closer to me.  “How is Dad?”

I couldn’t help but smile when I told him that he was home being a tyrant, including throwing around violent threats at me.

“So instead of going out shopping or something, you are here skating?” Tyler laughed taking my hand to lead me around the ice at a slow, relaxed pace.

“Do you expect anything different from me?” I sighed.

“Not at all,” he said, smiling easy over at me.  His brown eyes were sparkling and the look he gave me brought back a few memories.  “Rumor mill says you ain’t going back to Philly…”

“That rumor would be fact.”

“What changed?”

“I need to be here with my family,” I said.  I was worried that he would ask more questions that frankly I was annoyed of having to repeat, but Tyler had always been perceptive when it came to me.  He always seemed to know when I did or didn’t want to talk about things and it seemed as if he still had that touch.

“Come out to dinner with me and some of the guys tonight,” he summoned as if he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.  “You need to get out of the house.”

“I was going to stay home tonight…” I began.

“I will call your dad and ask for permission if I need to,” he warned me with a playful look in his eyes.  “Don’t worry, I promise to drop you off at your house as soon as we are done dinner if you want.”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I looked warily over at him.  “You promise not to get the wrong idea?”

“Abby, come on.  You know I will always care about you but you also know that I respect you,” he said sincerely.

I knew he was speaking truthfully; I also knew that he respected me and wouldn’t push me into anything I didn’t want.  The only time he had been pushy was the last time I was in Toronto for my sisters’ birthday and I had come to believe that he was only that way because he knew Kris was stomping on his turf.  I took a deep breath and nodded my head.  “Fine.”

He left out a little whoop and spun me around on the ice, making me laugh for the first time in over 2 weeks.

The guys were in good spirits despite the fact that they were not going to be in the playoffs once again this year.  “That’s awesome that you are staying up here in the Great White North,” Caputi said with his big Italian grin.  “Just let me know when you are hungry for some Italian food and I’ll be sure to cook you a big meal,” he winked at me, causing me to roll my eyes at his enthusiasm.

“Yeah, I’m sure he’ll make sure there is some extra dessert with that too,” Boyce piped up, causing Luca to throw a punch his way.

“No doubt,” I laughed as both were now engaged in a slap fight.  Glad to see the immaturity never changes.

“Hey, are you going to dye your hair back to your original color?” Army inquired from next to me.  His wife had already headed back to their home in Saskatoon with the kids to get it ready for the summer, so he was subjected to hanging out with his single teammates.  Colby and I had become instant friends when he came to Toronto and I absolutely adored his wife, Melissa.  He was a straight up good guy.  “Melissa said she really liked it when you were up in Toronto the other month, but she was shocked that you decided to even change the color of it in the first place.”

“Yeah, I shocked myself in doing it, but now that I have it this color, I have to admit that it’s grown on me,” I smiled before taking another sip of my beer.  “I’m still debating what I want to do, but I actually have a hair appointment tomorrow so I better figure it out soon,” I said, running my fingers mindlessly through a couple strands that had fallen in my face.

“Mmm, I think you should go back to your original color,” Tyler piped up on the other side of me.  “I always loved your raven hair.”

“Who gives a shit on what you think, Tyler,” Luca chirped loudly.  “I think she looks fucking hot as a blonde.”

“Thanks Luca,” I laughed with the rest of the guys as Boyce tried to tell him to pipe it down, reminding him we were in a public place.

A night out like this was probably exactly what I needed.

The days snailed on by and I tried to keep myself as busy as possible by hanging out with the guys or just spending time rotting my mind with Call of Duty.  It took a lot for me to get down, but this was definitely testing it.  Sometimes I was angry as hell at her, pissed off that she could do this to me and then the next moment I found myself totally sympathetic of her decision.  Truthfully, this was officially the first time I ever knew what it was like to experience a broken heart; at least I hadn’t had once since the 5^th grade when my teacher told me she was too old for me.

Luckily I had JVR, Giroux, Carcillo, Hartnell and Richie kept me occupied.

“Come on Steeger!  You’re making me lose and I totally hate getting my ass kicked by Carcillo when we play Call of Duty!” James whined as we sat in Richie’s and Cacillo’s hotel room in Ottawa.

“Ugh, if Carbomb would stop fucking sniping me, I’d be a lot better off,” I chirped as I threw a chip over at Danny’s head.

“Dude, don’t hate the master,” Danny exclaimed while throwing his controller up in the air as he made the last kill, promptly giving a high-5 to Richie and Giroux.

I was just about ready to take a sip of my water when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.  I pulled it out and cursed, “Fuck,” quickly jumping up from the bed and running out into the hallway for privacy.

“Abby?” I breathed, slightly out of breath from my sudden burst of energy and the adrenaline that was pumping through me.

“Hey Kris,” she said quietly on the other end.  It was the first time she had called since the other Sunday.  “Were you just running or something?” she asked, sounding a lot more chipper than she did the last time we spoke.

“Heh, no, I just quickly ran out of Richie’s room for some privacy,” I chuckled, thinking about how the guys were probably still looking at each other confused.  “What’s up?” I asked.  I miss you.  Please tell me you are calling to say that you have finally come to your senses…

“I just wanted to call and check in,” she said hesitantly, sounding as if she was second guessing herself.

“Oh, I see…”

“I’m sorry…I probably shouldn’t have called you, but…”

“Abby, I miss you.”

I heard her heave a sigh.  “I miss you too.”

“Please tell me I can stop in and see you Wednesday, I got permission to stop in Toronto when the rest of the team heads for Buffalo, I need to see you Abby,” I quickly spoke, probably sounding pathetic but I didn’t care at the moment.

She was silent for a few minutes before she began talking.  “I-I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Kris.  I don’t think that’s going to help the situation, I think it could just make things worse.  We need to move on,” she said, attempting to sound strong, but it wasn’t working.

“Abby, like I said before, things don’t need to be like this.”

“Yes, they do.  This is for the better.”

“For who?  It’s obvious we are both hurting here,” I began raising my voice a little more than I wanted to, but I couldn’t help it as I felt the blood beginning to angrily pulse through me.

“I’m moving on, Kris.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m moving on…”

“Are you back with Tyler?”

“I might be getting back with him, I don’t know…”

“Don’t fucking lie to yourself Abby.  You and I both know it’s just because you have history together,” I snapped into the phone.  “Don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry for ruining everything,” she whispered before hanging up and leaving me sitting in the hallway of the hotel staring at my phone that displayed the picture of me and Abby at Mitch’s game in Reading.

I had to do it.  I had to lie because I had to make sure he wouldn’t keep pursuing me.  I was correct when I guessed he was going to try and visit me during his last road-trip to Canada.  I needed to make sure he moved on because it would make it easier for me to start anew.  There was absolutely nothing going on between Tyler and me, because personally I knew I couldn’t go back to that.  If I was going to begin rebuilding my life once again, Tyler was not going to help me with that unless we were just friends.

I almost couldn’t do it.  I almost found myself begging him to fly to Toronto as soon as his game in Ottawa was done but I stubbornly stood my ground and now I was left with an even bigger hole in my heart.  Somehow I cried harder than I did the night I found out about my father, but this time instead of crying for someone else, I was crying for myself.

Ch. 23

Breathe in, breathe out,
Tell me all of your doubts,
& Everybody bleeds this way,
Just the same.

Breathe in, breathe out,
Move on and break down,
If everyone goes away i will stay.

We push and pull,
& I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.

Mat Kearney – Breathe In, Breathe Out

Ch. 23

I stood there and watched a look of horror cross over her pretty face.  She clutched at her chest and literally collapsed down onto the cold macadam of the parking lot making this god awful gasping sound.  Somehow I could hear a voice on the other end saying, “Miss, Miss, are you okay?”  Kristy got down on the ground and huddled close with Abby as I took the phone from her shaking hand and began asking questions.

“Hello?” I said, interrupting the man on the other end.

“Who is this?”

“Who is this?” I growled back, intending to take control of the situation.

“This is Captain Gotwall from the Royal Mounted Police in Toronto…I was in the middle of speaking to Miss Burke.”

“And now you will be speaking to me.  Whatever you told my girlfriend has her very upset, please tell me what is going on,” I said, my voice cracking under the emotion.

“Well sir, Mr. Brian Burke was involved in a very bad accident tonight.  He is in the hospital at the moment in critical condition…”

“What hospital?” I asked as I pulled my phone out of my pocket to punch in the name.

“St. Michael’s…”

“Is he going to make it?”

“I’m not sure, sir.”

“Please tell her family that she will be on the next plane to the city.  Do you know if Patrick Burke was notified?”

“Negative, he was not notified yet…”

“Okay, well don’t worry about it; we will take care of it.  Is there any other information you need?”

“No sir.”

“Okay, thank you.” And at that I punched the end button on the phone and hit my knees to hold a devastated Abby.  After allowing her to sob for a good 5 minutes, a decent crowd of my teammates were gathered around us wondering what was going on.  Kristy began explaining the situation to Lavy and he immediately called Patrick while Richie began making phone calls to get Abby a plane ticket.

“Kris, let’s get her in my SUV,” Matt Carle said calmly as he leaned down and touched my shoulder to get my attention.  “She’s too upset to go home with you driving.  I’m sure she’ll want to get a few items packed…” his wife continued.  I nodded and attempted to Abby up to her feet.  She didn’t budge so I scooped her up and carried her over to the Carle’s SUV.  Kristy followed us back to the apartment building with my car and then came up to get Abby packed.  Mike was able to get us tickets for a 1am flight from Philly to Toronto.  It was already 11pm.

While Kristy and Carle’s wife flitted around the apartment, Matt began looking up things on the internet to see if he couldn’t find more information about what happened and I held Abby on my lap.  She was still crying, even though the tears were all dried up. 

“Here it is,” Matt suddenly spoke, breaking the tension filled room.  “Toronto Maple Leafs, GM Brian Burke was driving home tonight from the ACC when he was hit broad-side as a young driver ran the traffic light about 2 miles away from Brian’s home.  Sources say that Mr. Burke had to be cut from his car and was unconscious during the rescue efforts.  More information will be printed as it comes available.”

I felt Abby tense at every word Matt recited from the internet news article and I just held her closer, wishing there was some way to just mold her against me to keep her from enduring anymore bad news.  But no matter how tight I held her, I could see her unraveling before my eyes. 

After some major coaxing I got her into her bedroom and helped her change out of the jersey and get into comfier clothing for the plane ride.  She just stood still, her arms heavy as I lifted them up to pull the hockey sweater over her head.  It was as if she was a million miles away from me.  Her eyes were glazed over and her shoulders were hunched over as if the pain was pulling her inside out.

“Abby, it’s going to be okay,” I whispered as I placed a chaste kiss on her forehead.

“I can’t go through this again,” she croaked out.

“You won’t have to because it’s going to be alright and I’m here with you.”  I pulled a sweatshirt down over her head and then wrapped my arms back around her.  It felt as if I was holding a piece of cold, heavy, chiseled granite.  I was still holding her when Kristy came back into the room.

“Patrick just called,” she said breathlessly.  “He’s just getting a plane out of Boston and he said that Jennifer called and updated him.  Your dad is in a coma and is breathing with assistance from a ventilator.  They think he has sustained a serious concussion and he has a couple broken bones.”

I nodded and looked down to find Abby just staring at Kristy and at first I was unsure if she even heard Kristy’s information.  I was just about to ask her if she did in face hear what Kristy said when I noticed the tears begin to well up in her eyes once again.

“That’s exactly the same report I got about Brendan,” she whispered faintly.  Instead of saying wasting my breath on words of support that wouldn’t mean shit, I just pulled her head to my chest and held her as she broke down again.  It was going to be a long plane ride to Toronto.

The flight to Toronto was the longest ever, even with Kris by my side.  I knew I should sleep, but I couldn’t because I was afraid the nightmares would just over take me anyway.  It was 4am when we arrived at St. Michael’s and my whole family was there, sitting out in the waiting room in a vigil.

“Abby, oh thank God you are here!  Kris, thank you so much for accompanying her…” Jennifer exclaimed, trying to smile but failing miserably.

“How is he?” I heard myself ask.

“He’s stable but still very critical.  We are not going to know how much brain damage he has until he wakes up,” she said quietly.

“I need to see him,” I spoke again, sounding like a robot.

“Of course,” Jennifer said, taking my hand and leading me down the hall to my father’s room.  Kris left go of my hand for the first time since we left Philly and just nodded a reassuring look towards me, as if he was telling me that he knew I could be strong enough to go about this alone.  I knew he was right, but I felt so fragile at the moment.  “I’m so glad you had a travel buddy…” Jennifer continued, wrapping a loving around my shoulder.  “He must really care about you.”

As much as I wanted to agree, all I could do was nod my head.  Kris was the last thing on my mind right now; all my thoughts were geared towards the man that had been number one in my life since I was born.

Tears sprung to my eyes as soon as I saw him lying supine in the hospital bed with tubes and machines all around him.  This took the cake when it came to looking at one of the most horrific scenes.  I always knew my father as the strong head of my household, but not he looked far from the strong, steadfast pillar I leaned on throughout my life.

“Daddy,” I whispered through my sobs.  “Daddy, I’m here and I’ll stay here until you go back to work.  I’m not going to leave your side.  And I kept that promise.  The only time I would leave the room was to use the bathroom or to go home and get showered. 

Kris went back to Philly later on in the evening because he obviously had a job to do.

“Please call me if anything changes,” he whispered as he held me close out in the hallway of my father’s room.  There were a bunch of the Leaf’s players standing in and around the room at this point, so a private moment with Kris wasn’t really available, but he didn’t seem too bothered.  He lifted my chin with his hand, forcing me to pay attention to him for a few moments.  “I will get back up here as soon as I can…”

“I know your schedule is kind of crazy for the next few weeks,” I said quietly.  “You have a job to focus on.  Don’t worry about me.”

“I will be worried about you, but I promise to be out on that ice playing for you every night.”

“I don’t know when I’ll be back in Philly.”

“I know and understand this, Abby.  I love you.”

The last three words made my brain come to a complete halt and everything was instantly blocked out.  “What?”

“I love you,” he said more firmly and before I could protest, question, or reciprocate his lips were pressed hard against mine.  When he pulled back I was still speechless but he didn’t seem bothered by it, he just smiled faintly and kissed me once more on the cheek.  “I will call you when I get back to Philly.  Take care of yourself and you call me whenever you need someone besides family to talk to.”

I nodded and mouthed okay.  The last feeling of warmth left me as I watched him walk down the hall, leaving me here to deal with my own personal hell. 

After a few days I realized that Abby was somehow blaming all this on herself.  I wasn’t able to figure out how she would have stopped the accident from happening, but I’m fairly sure she believed that if she hadn’t moved to Philly and “only thought about herself” as she put it, this might have been avoided or at least she could have been by his side sooner.  I tried explaining to her that accidents happen, but she didn’t want anything to hear of it.  Patrick on the other hand was already back to his normal schedule.  I was actually a little surprised when I found him wandering the halls of the Coliseum on Long Island on Saturday afternoon before our game against the Islanders.  “Patrick!” I yelled after him.

He turned around and put on a half smile.  He looked exhausted.  “Oh, hey Kris.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I can’t really do anything up in Toronto, so it’s just easier for me to be out and about,” he said honestly with a sad face.

“How is Brian?”

“The doctors say he is doing better, but with all the sedation it’s hard to see it.”

I nodded my head in understanding.

“I’m worried about Abby…” he suddenly spoke out.  “I know that this is a little different because Dad is going to have a better outcome than Brendan, but this is exactly how she acted after Brendan passed.”

“How do you mean?” I asked; also concerned because she sounded completely depressed every time we spoke.  Obviously she was going to be put out, but every time we spoke she sounded less and less like the Abby I had come to love.

“Abby blamed herself for Brendan’s death, even though it had absolutely nothing to do with her.  She also blamed the loss of the baby on herself; even though I’m fairly sure she did nothing wrong to cause the miscarriage.”

Whoa, miscarriage?!  “What miscarriage?” I asked in a voice that sounded less stunned than I felt at the moment.  She had never mentioned anything about a miscarriage.

Patrick looked up at me like he had let the canary out of the bag, not realizing it was never out in the first place.  “Um, last summer her and Trevor got pregnant by accident for lack of better terms…6 weeks later she miscarried.  Things were already strained between the two of them after Brendan’s death, but that was basically the straw that broke the camel’s back in their relationship.  I’m sorry I thought for sure she would have told you…” he apologized, looking terribly upset that he basically just ratted his sister out.

“Abby and I are still learning more and more about each other every day,” I said quietly, realizing there was a whole other part of her that I obviously had no clue about.  No wonder Tyler was more than just a little upset about me being with Abby.  I probably would have been a little more protective of Dawn if we had gone through something so tragic together.

“Well I will warn you now that I think she’s slipped back into her sad ways again,” Patrick said sadly while kicking at something on the floor.  “It sucks that all of this had to happen now because I think if you were able to be with her, she’d be a little better off.”

I knew he didn’t mean the words to be condescending, but unfortunately I took them as a kick in the stomach because I already felt bad about not being by her side and now hearing that from him made confirmed my original thoughts.  How was I supposed to take care of her when I couldn’t even be with her? 

“What about your job?” Jennifer asked worriedly as we sat down in the hospital cafeteria, Sunday morning.  “I can’t imagine them letting you off for a long period of time.”

“If I lose the job, I lose the job,” I shrugged as I took a bite of my sandwich.  I didn’t really have much of an appetite, but if I didn’t eat I wouldn’t ever hear the end of it from Jennifer.  In the last 5 days I probably only ate a total of 5 actual meals since I arrived.  I wasn’t hungry, plus my stomach was in such knots that I was fairly sure it wouldn’t allow me to keep much in it.  “I was actually debating on just moving back home here…”

“Why would you want to do that, Abby?  Up until the accident, it seemed you really enjoyed your life in Philly.”

“I do enjoy it, but I’ve missed so much by not being near my family…”

“Abby, we don’t expect you to be here for every little thing, you are an adult now and it’s only natural to have your own life,” Jennifer said soothingly as the tears began rolling down my cheeks.  I was an emotional mess, I was either walking around with my eyes dry and pasted open or the spigot was turned on and I was snotting and tearing up over every little word.  Kris would so be making fun of me right now with how terrible I look.

“Who says I can’t live my life right here in Toronto though?  I mean I could transfer up here for college, I can get just as good of an education up here…”

“But Drexel is such a wonderful school and you’ve been looking forward to going there since you started your under-grad, Abby.”

“But dreams change.”

“No, life changes, dreams don’t,” Jennifer said in her motherly tone.  “Abby, what about Kris?”

“Kris and I have been together for a couple weeks,” I said plainly, as if breaking up with him wouldn’t matter if it meant that I could be here for my family.

“Kris and you are perfect together.”

“I’m perfect together with my family,” I said continued to push my argument.  I was set in my thoughts and I wasn’t going to budge.  “Not having a boyfriend is not the end of the world.”

Jennifer looked at me as if she wanted to say more, but it was obvious she thought of it as hopeless and kept her mouth shut.  However, I could hear my heart crying out in hopes that she would just slap me out of my stupid thoughts.  Part of me believed that what I had with Kris could be life altering but the depressed, broken side of me was winning me over and said that my decision to stay in Toronto was the safest to make.  At the moment the safer route was all I was looking at.  Kris was still a chance, even though so far he had given me no doubts when it came to being serious about us.  Ever since he got back to Philly he had called me at least 2 times a day to check in and just talk to me.  I felt bad that I never said a lot, but Kris had no problem with keeping the conversation going for the both of us.  Later on that night was no different.

“Abby, you should have seen Mike after the game against Boston tonight; I thought for sure he was going to punch one of the reporters in the locker room.  He’s totally pissed about the team’s effort and to be honest, it’s a little scary.  I’m pretty sure his silence is more deafening than Phaneuf’s loud mouth.”

I giggled, thinking about how much Dion could out-talk the best of them and had a way of riling up the team by chirping loudly around the locker room.  “I believe that, Richie seems to be a very intense person who does not take his position lightly.”

“Oh for sure, that’s why I enjoy playing on the line with him…”

“You, JVR and Richie really seem to be clicking,” I said thoughtfully.  I had watched them on TV the last couple games and I was sometimes in awe with how the chemistry between the 3 of them was seemingly blossoming over night.

“We are.  I just hope whatever funk some of the guys are in right now, snaps so we can just focus on playing hockey and not worry about who is or is not working their hardest,” Kris sighed.  There was a quiet pause in the conversation and for some reason I had clue about what question was coming next.  “Abby, now that your dad is awake, when do you think you’ll be coming back here?”

I bit my lip and hunched over in the chair I was sitting in.  I was in the unit waiting room, but thankfully since it was so late, no one else was around.  I took a deep breath and said the words that I had rehearsed over and over again since I made up my mind earlier in the day.  “I’m not going to be coming back to Philly.  I’ve decided I’m going to stay here in Toronto, I need to be with my family.”

“Not coming back to Philly?  What about Drexel?” he asked, sounding surprisingly calm, but I could tell he was on edge.  If it was one thing I learned with Kris, he was very good at keeping his emotions in check, but then again the majority of hockey players were good at that.

“I’m just going to go to school up here…I can still get as good of an education up here.  An MBA is an MBA,” I said, knowing I was still trying to talk myself into believing my own words.

I heard him take a deep breath before asking the inevitable question, “And where does that leave us?”

“I don’t know,” I said so quiet that I wasn’t sure if he actually heard me.

“Abby, pushing me away isn’t going to change things,” he said in a tone that wasn’t scolding but firm enough to get his point across.

“I don’t expect it to change things, Kris.  I just feel that I need to be here with my family.”

“What would make you think that I wouldn’t be supportive in making sure you are with your family when you need to be?  I’m fairly sure I’ve proven that by flying you up to Toronto…”

“Please Kris, don’t make this harder.  This has nothing to do with you.  It has everything to do with me.”

“That is where you are wrong.  This has everything to do with you and me,” he said, emphasizing the ‘me’ part.  “This is about us, Abby.  You are obviously down about everything and rightfully so, but I’m here to help you with that.  I’m not Tyler, I’m not going to just walk away and forget about you.”

“I would never compare you to Tyler,” I said, obviously totally ignoring the words that he was willing to support me.  I didn’t want to hear anything that might un-make my mind up.  This was the decision I had made and I was going to stick with it.  In all honesty, I was down so deep that nothing Kris would say was going to make me change my decision.

“Ugh, Abby, what happened to my strong will, independent woman?” he murmured.

“I’m shattered, Kris.”

“Let me help put you back together again.  Please, don’t do this.”

“Thank you for everything Kris, I know that you will find someone to make you happy,” I said like a robot.

“You don’t mean that, Abby,” he said in a very emotional tone that hinted he too was now crying.

“Bye Kris,” I choked out before hitting the end button on my phone.