Ch. 24

A/N :Two songs for our soundtrack today... the first one would be considered from Kris's point of view.. the 2nd being Abby's despite the gender role in the song... I'm sure ya'll can see how it fits.

Just wanted to say thank you again for all your comments!! Great to hear from you and I'm glad to hear you are enjoying it, even if we are at a not so happy part in the story... MelTing - I kind of laughed when I read your comment, you always seem to ask the right questions and they are fittingly answered for you in the next chapter. Enjoy!

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do…

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

Sarah McLachlan – Do What You Have to Do

Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

Kenny Chesney – Better As Memory

Ch. 24

“She just quit it like that?” Mitch asked, sounding as shocked as I felt.  It was late Sunday night and I as close as I had come with some of the guys on the team, I still felt bad calling them at this time.  However, I didn’t think twice about calling my brother.

“Yeah, Patrick had warned me that she was falling into a deep depression, but still, I didn’t realize it would come to this,” I sighed into the phone.  “What the fuck do I do?”

“You are asking me what to do?!  I’m the younger brother, I’m supposed to be the one calling you and asking questions like that,” he half joked on the other end of the phone.  “Seriously dude, I have no clue,” he finished sincerely.

“I love her,” was all I could think to say.

“That was obvious the day you brought her along to my game and hell, you weren’t even dating at that point.  She’s a good match for you.”

“You should hear her now though, she’s totally broken and sounding so depressed…” I said as my stomach churned just thinking about her sad voice.

“Can you get up to Toronto?”

“No.  We are playing a game every other night this week; the soonest I might be able to see her would be next week.  We have an away game in Ottawa and then two days off before a game in Buffalo.”

“That might actually work out well, it will give her some time to cool off and maybe things will be better with her dad by that point.  If things are better I’m sure she’ll be a little easier to talk to and persuade into rethinking her decision.”

“See, this is why I called you, those are words of reason that I need to hear right now.”

“I’m sure you would have eventually thought of it that way yourself,” Mitch chuckled.  “Besides, if I know you as well I think I do; I don’t think your going to give up on this girl.  Let it be known that if you do give up on her, I’m totally challenging you to a wrestling match in the basement of Grandma’s house once you win the Cup again this summer.”

“Speaking of Cup’s, you guys going to win the Kelly Cup?” I asked in an attempt to get off the Abby subject for a bit.

“Damn, I hope so.  It would be nice to at least have some sort of championship under my belt to compete against you,” he chirped.

“Yeah, but you’ll always be my little brother,” I joked back.

“This is true, but it could definitely be worse.”

“Suck up.”

“You know it.”

“Love ya Mitch.”

“Love you too, bro.”

“I still don’t understand,” Kristy said as we took a walk around the garden at the hospital.  She was on her Spring Break from school and was somehow able to finagle some days off from The Continental so that she could fly up to be with me.  It was exactly a week and a half after Dad’s accident and he was finally off the ventilator and beginning to be his normal demanding self.  To his insistence and our hesitation, I brought in his laptop and cell phone so that he could do some work from the hospital bed.  “How could you just walk away from something so good and not seem to think twice about it?  You have to think about yourself Abby.”

“That’s exactly what I did and look at what happened?” I exclaimed, becoming slightly annoyed that everyone was questioning my decisions.  I knew what was best for me and I was tired of hearing everyone else’s opinions.  I don’t know how many times I heard the words that I couldn’t blame myself for everything, but what did they know.  It had been my fault several times over the years.  It was my fault that Grandpa died.  If I hadn’t been throwing a temper tantrum about not wanting to go visit, we might have been there before he had his heart attack and we could have called 911 to help save his life.  I remember the look in my mother’s eyes the day of his funeral.  I knew she blamed me, even if she claimed she didn’t.  However, those were the things that never went away, no matter how much older you got.  Sure, I’ve kind of come to believe that when it’s your time, it’s your time, but when it comes to my family I’m still not 100% sold.

“Can I be truthful?” Kristy asked as she stopped walking.

I left out an ironic laugh and shrugged my shoulders, “Since when haven’t you been?”

Kristy frowned before speaking.  “Abby, all you are doing is going back to where you started.  What happened to Operation Happy Abby?  You got so far and now because of one set-back you have totally given up.”

“I’m not giving up, I’m just changing my path,” I said quietly, still digesting the words so that maybe I’d actually believe them at some point.

“You’re being a chicken.”

“Gee, you make me feel so good about myself,” I said sarcastically as I began walking again.

“I’m being your friend, Abby.”

“Well if you’re not going to support me in my decisions, then I don’t want you to be my friend,” I finally snapped.  “I don’t need Kris.  I can make it on my own.”

“You know what?  You are right.  He doesn’t deserve you, Abby,” Kristy snapped back and walked back inside, probably to find Patrick so they could talk behind my back again.

I was bitter, I was unhappy and most of all I was torn apart.

“So do you think it’s worth me making a pit stop in Toronto before heading to Buffalo?” I asked Kristy after she told me everything.  She had stopped over at the apartment to visit me as soon as she got home from Toronto and it was obvious she was exhausted just from dealing with Abby.

“She’s a total head-case right now.  To be honest, I didn’t even know who she was at times.  This is a whole new ballgame,” Kristy sighed as she flopped herself down on my couch and took a sip of the beer I had handed her.  “I think it’s only going to leave you more frustrated and possibly make things worse.”

“I want her back.”

“I understand this, but with the way she’s acting I’m thinking that won’t happen because you will just end up walking away more hurt than you are now.”

“Well that’s not overly reassuring,” I said, trying to laugh about the situation because otherwise I was going to just cry.  I had immersed myself in the game because that is what hockey players did; if something was going on in our personal life, we forgot about it by throwing ourselves into the only thing we knew never changed.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Tyler chirped as I glided around the ice.  It was Monday, April 4^th and Dad was home, beginning a long schedule of physical therapy and rest.  He insisted that I get out of the house and go skating.

“If you don’t get your ass out of this house, I’m going to shove this crutch up your ass Abby,” Dad growled as I sat his breakfast tray down on his bedside table.  “I’m tired of seeing you mope around here for no reason.  If you are going to stay here, then you need to get back to some sort of normalcy.”  I knew he was right, but it was easier said than done.  I was lonely, despite the fact that my family was all around me.  I was angry at myself for treating Kristy the way I did and it was obviously going to take some time to forget Kris.

I cut to a stop, creating a spray of ice in Tyler’s direction.  I wasn’t surprised to find him here, considering I had talked to Boyce while I was lacing up my skates.  I was at the Leaf’s practice facility and the players were always coming and going around here.  “Glad to see Darryl still hasn’t learned how to keep a secret,” I said in a flat tone.

“Good to see you too,” Tyler shook his head and skated closer to me.  “How is Dad?”

I couldn’t help but smile when I told him that he was home being a tyrant, including throwing around violent threats at me.

“So instead of going out shopping or something, you are here skating?” Tyler laughed taking my hand to lead me around the ice at a slow, relaxed pace.

“Do you expect anything different from me?” I sighed.

“Not at all,” he said, smiling easy over at me.  His brown eyes were sparkling and the look he gave me brought back a few memories.  “Rumor mill says you ain’t going back to Philly…”

“That rumor would be fact.”

“What changed?”

“I need to be here with my family,” I said.  I was worried that he would ask more questions that frankly I was annoyed of having to repeat, but Tyler had always been perceptive when it came to me.  He always seemed to know when I did or didn’t want to talk about things and it seemed as if he still had that touch.

“Come out to dinner with me and some of the guys tonight,” he summoned as if he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.  “You need to get out of the house.”

“I was going to stay home tonight…” I began.

“I will call your dad and ask for permission if I need to,” he warned me with a playful look in his eyes.  “Don’t worry, I promise to drop you off at your house as soon as we are done dinner if you want.”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I looked warily over at him.  “You promise not to get the wrong idea?”

“Abby, come on.  You know I will always care about you but you also know that I respect you,” he said sincerely.

I knew he was speaking truthfully; I also knew that he respected me and wouldn’t push me into anything I didn’t want.  The only time he had been pushy was the last time I was in Toronto for my sisters’ birthday and I had come to believe that he was only that way because he knew Kris was stomping on his turf.  I took a deep breath and nodded my head.  “Fine.”

He left out a little whoop and spun me around on the ice, making me laugh for the first time in over 2 weeks.

The guys were in good spirits despite the fact that they were not going to be in the playoffs once again this year.  “That’s awesome that you are staying up here in the Great White North,” Caputi said with his big Italian grin.  “Just let me know when you are hungry for some Italian food and I’ll be sure to cook you a big meal,” he winked at me, causing me to roll my eyes at his enthusiasm.

“Yeah, I’m sure he’ll make sure there is some extra dessert with that too,” Boyce piped up, causing Luca to throw a punch his way.

“No doubt,” I laughed as both were now engaged in a slap fight.  Glad to see the immaturity never changes.

“Hey, are you going to dye your hair back to your original color?” Army inquired from next to me.  His wife had already headed back to their home in Saskatoon with the kids to get it ready for the summer, so he was subjected to hanging out with his single teammates.  Colby and I had become instant friends when he came to Toronto and I absolutely adored his wife, Melissa.  He was a straight up good guy.  “Melissa said she really liked it when you were up in Toronto the other month, but she was shocked that you decided to even change the color of it in the first place.”

“Yeah, I shocked myself in doing it, but now that I have it this color, I have to admit that it’s grown on me,” I smiled before taking another sip of my beer.  “I’m still debating what I want to do, but I actually have a hair appointment tomorrow so I better figure it out soon,” I said, running my fingers mindlessly through a couple strands that had fallen in my face.

“Mmm, I think you should go back to your original color,” Tyler piped up on the other side of me.  “I always loved your raven hair.”

“Who gives a shit on what you think, Tyler,” Luca chirped loudly.  “I think she looks fucking hot as a blonde.”

“Thanks Luca,” I laughed with the rest of the guys as Boyce tried to tell him to pipe it down, reminding him we were in a public place.

A night out like this was probably exactly what I needed.

The days snailed on by and I tried to keep myself as busy as possible by hanging out with the guys or just spending time rotting my mind with Call of Duty.  It took a lot for me to get down, but this was definitely testing it.  Sometimes I was angry as hell at her, pissed off that she could do this to me and then the next moment I found myself totally sympathetic of her decision.  Truthfully, this was officially the first time I ever knew what it was like to experience a broken heart; at least I hadn’t had once since the 5^th grade when my teacher told me she was too old for me.

Luckily I had JVR, Giroux, Carcillo, Hartnell and Richie kept me occupied.

“Come on Steeger!  You’re making me lose and I totally hate getting my ass kicked by Carcillo when we play Call of Duty!” James whined as we sat in Richie’s and Cacillo’s hotel room in Ottawa.

“Ugh, if Carbomb would stop fucking sniping me, I’d be a lot better off,” I chirped as I threw a chip over at Danny’s head.

“Dude, don’t hate the master,” Danny exclaimed while throwing his controller up in the air as he made the last kill, promptly giving a high-5 to Richie and Giroux.

I was just about ready to take a sip of my water when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.  I pulled it out and cursed, “Fuck,” quickly jumping up from the bed and running out into the hallway for privacy.

“Abby?” I breathed, slightly out of breath from my sudden burst of energy and the adrenaline that was pumping through me.

“Hey Kris,” she said quietly on the other end.  It was the first time she had called since the other Sunday.  “Were you just running or something?” she asked, sounding a lot more chipper than she did the last time we spoke.

“Heh, no, I just quickly ran out of Richie’s room for some privacy,” I chuckled, thinking about how the guys were probably still looking at each other confused.  “What’s up?” I asked.  I miss you.  Please tell me you are calling to say that you have finally come to your senses…

“I just wanted to call and check in,” she said hesitantly, sounding as if she was second guessing herself.

“Oh, I see…”

“I’m sorry…I probably shouldn’t have called you, but…”

“Abby, I miss you.”

I heard her heave a sigh.  “I miss you too.”

“Please tell me I can stop in and see you Wednesday, I got permission to stop in Toronto when the rest of the team heads for Buffalo, I need to see you Abby,” I quickly spoke, probably sounding pathetic but I didn’t care at the moment.

She was silent for a few minutes before she began talking.  “I-I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Kris.  I don’t think that’s going to help the situation, I think it could just make things worse.  We need to move on,” she said, attempting to sound strong, but it wasn’t working.

“Abby, like I said before, things don’t need to be like this.”

“Yes, they do.  This is for the better.”

“For who?  It’s obvious we are both hurting here,” I began raising my voice a little more than I wanted to, but I couldn’t help it as I felt the blood beginning to angrily pulse through me.

“I’m moving on, Kris.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m moving on…”

“Are you back with Tyler?”

“I might be getting back with him, I don’t know…”

“Don’t fucking lie to yourself Abby.  You and I both know it’s just because you have history together,” I snapped into the phone.  “Don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry for ruining everything,” she whispered before hanging up and leaving me sitting in the hallway of the hotel staring at my phone that displayed the picture of me and Abby at Mitch’s game in Reading.

I had to do it.  I had to lie because I had to make sure he wouldn’t keep pursuing me.  I was correct when I guessed he was going to try and visit me during his last road-trip to Canada.  I needed to make sure he moved on because it would make it easier for me to start anew.  There was absolutely nothing going on between Tyler and me, because personally I knew I couldn’t go back to that.  If I was going to begin rebuilding my life once again, Tyler was not going to help me with that unless we were just friends.

I almost couldn’t do it.  I almost found myself begging him to fly to Toronto as soon as his game in Ottawa was done but I stubbornly stood my ground and now I was left with an even bigger hole in my heart.  Somehow I cried harder than I did the night I found out about my father, but this time instead of crying for someone else, I was crying for myself.