Ch. 23

Breathe in, breathe out,
Tell me all of your doubts,
& Everybody bleeds this way,
Just the same.

Breathe in, breathe out,
Move on and break down,
If everyone goes away i will stay.

We push and pull,
& I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.

Mat Kearney – Breathe In, Breathe Out

Ch. 23

I stood there and watched a look of horror cross over her pretty face.  She clutched at her chest and literally collapsed down onto the cold macadam of the parking lot making this god awful gasping sound.  Somehow I could hear a voice on the other end saying, “Miss, Miss, are you okay?”  Kristy got down on the ground and huddled close with Abby as I took the phone from her shaking hand and began asking questions.

“Hello?” I said, interrupting the man on the other end.

“Who is this?”

“Who is this?” I growled back, intending to take control of the situation.

“This is Captain Gotwall from the Royal Mounted Police in Toronto…I was in the middle of speaking to Miss Burke.”

“And now you will be speaking to me.  Whatever you told my girlfriend has her very upset, please tell me what is going on,” I said, my voice cracking under the emotion.

“Well sir, Mr. Brian Burke was involved in a very bad accident tonight.  He is in the hospital at the moment in critical condition…”

“What hospital?” I asked as I pulled my phone out of my pocket to punch in the name.

“St. Michael’s…”

“Is he going to make it?”

“I’m not sure, sir.”

“Please tell her family that she will be on the next plane to the city.  Do you know if Patrick Burke was notified?”

“Negative, he was not notified yet…”

“Okay, well don’t worry about it; we will take care of it.  Is there any other information you need?”

“No sir.”

“Okay, thank you.” And at that I punched the end button on the phone and hit my knees to hold a devastated Abby.  After allowing her to sob for a good 5 minutes, a decent crowd of my teammates were gathered around us wondering what was going on.  Kristy began explaining the situation to Lavy and he immediately called Patrick while Richie began making phone calls to get Abby a plane ticket.

“Kris, let’s get her in my SUV,” Matt Carle said calmly as he leaned down and touched my shoulder to get my attention.  “She’s too upset to go home with you driving.  I’m sure she’ll want to get a few items packed…” his wife continued.  I nodded and attempted to Abby up to her feet.  She didn’t budge so I scooped her up and carried her over to the Carle’s SUV.  Kristy followed us back to the apartment building with my car and then came up to get Abby packed.  Mike was able to get us tickets for a 1am flight from Philly to Toronto.  It was already 11pm.

While Kristy and Carle’s wife flitted around the apartment, Matt began looking up things on the internet to see if he couldn’t find more information about what happened and I held Abby on my lap.  She was still crying, even though the tears were all dried up. 

“Here it is,” Matt suddenly spoke, breaking the tension filled room.  “Toronto Maple Leafs, GM Brian Burke was driving home tonight from the ACC when he was hit broad-side as a young driver ran the traffic light about 2 miles away from Brian’s home.  Sources say that Mr. Burke had to be cut from his car and was unconscious during the rescue efforts.  More information will be printed as it comes available.”

I felt Abby tense at every word Matt recited from the internet news article and I just held her closer, wishing there was some way to just mold her against me to keep her from enduring anymore bad news.  But no matter how tight I held her, I could see her unraveling before my eyes. 

After some major coaxing I got her into her bedroom and helped her change out of the jersey and get into comfier clothing for the plane ride.  She just stood still, her arms heavy as I lifted them up to pull the hockey sweater over her head.  It was as if she was a million miles away from me.  Her eyes were glazed over and her shoulders were hunched over as if the pain was pulling her inside out.

“Abby, it’s going to be okay,” I whispered as I placed a chaste kiss on her forehead.

“I can’t go through this again,” she croaked out.

“You won’t have to because it’s going to be alright and I’m here with you.”  I pulled a sweatshirt down over her head and then wrapped my arms back around her.  It felt as if I was holding a piece of cold, heavy, chiseled granite.  I was still holding her when Kristy came back into the room.

“Patrick just called,” she said breathlessly.  “He’s just getting a plane out of Boston and he said that Jennifer called and updated him.  Your dad is in a coma and is breathing with assistance from a ventilator.  They think he has sustained a serious concussion and he has a couple broken bones.”

I nodded and looked down to find Abby just staring at Kristy and at first I was unsure if she even heard Kristy’s information.  I was just about to ask her if she did in face hear what Kristy said when I noticed the tears begin to well up in her eyes once again.

“That’s exactly the same report I got about Brendan,” she whispered faintly.  Instead of saying wasting my breath on words of support that wouldn’t mean shit, I just pulled her head to my chest and held her as she broke down again.  It was going to be a long plane ride to Toronto.

The flight to Toronto was the longest ever, even with Kris by my side.  I knew I should sleep, but I couldn’t because I was afraid the nightmares would just over take me anyway.  It was 4am when we arrived at St. Michael’s and my whole family was there, sitting out in the waiting room in a vigil.

“Abby, oh thank God you are here!  Kris, thank you so much for accompanying her…” Jennifer exclaimed, trying to smile but failing miserably.

“How is he?” I heard myself ask.

“He’s stable but still very critical.  We are not going to know how much brain damage he has until he wakes up,” she said quietly.

“I need to see him,” I spoke again, sounding like a robot.

“Of course,” Jennifer said, taking my hand and leading me down the hall to my father’s room.  Kris left go of my hand for the first time since we left Philly and just nodded a reassuring look towards me, as if he was telling me that he knew I could be strong enough to go about this alone.  I knew he was right, but I felt so fragile at the moment.  “I’m so glad you had a travel buddy…” Jennifer continued, wrapping a loving around my shoulder.  “He must really care about you.”

As much as I wanted to agree, all I could do was nod my head.  Kris was the last thing on my mind right now; all my thoughts were geared towards the man that had been number one in my life since I was born.

Tears sprung to my eyes as soon as I saw him lying supine in the hospital bed with tubes and machines all around him.  This took the cake when it came to looking at one of the most horrific scenes.  I always knew my father as the strong head of my household, but not he looked far from the strong, steadfast pillar I leaned on throughout my life.

“Daddy,” I whispered through my sobs.  “Daddy, I’m here and I’ll stay here until you go back to work.  I’m not going to leave your side.  And I kept that promise.  The only time I would leave the room was to use the bathroom or to go home and get showered. 

Kris went back to Philly later on in the evening because he obviously had a job to do.

“Please call me if anything changes,” he whispered as he held me close out in the hallway of my father’s room.  There were a bunch of the Leaf’s players standing in and around the room at this point, so a private moment with Kris wasn’t really available, but he didn’t seem too bothered.  He lifted my chin with his hand, forcing me to pay attention to him for a few moments.  “I will get back up here as soon as I can…”

“I know your schedule is kind of crazy for the next few weeks,” I said quietly.  “You have a job to focus on.  Don’t worry about me.”

“I will be worried about you, but I promise to be out on that ice playing for you every night.”

“I don’t know when I’ll be back in Philly.”

“I know and understand this, Abby.  I love you.”

The last three words made my brain come to a complete halt and everything was instantly blocked out.  “What?”

“I love you,” he said more firmly and before I could protest, question, or reciprocate his lips were pressed hard against mine.  When he pulled back I was still speechless but he didn’t seem bothered by it, he just smiled faintly and kissed me once more on the cheek.  “I will call you when I get back to Philly.  Take care of yourself and you call me whenever you need someone besides family to talk to.”

I nodded and mouthed okay.  The last feeling of warmth left me as I watched him walk down the hall, leaving me here to deal with my own personal hell. 

After a few days I realized that Abby was somehow blaming all this on herself.  I wasn’t able to figure out how she would have stopped the accident from happening, but I’m fairly sure she believed that if she hadn’t moved to Philly and “only thought about herself” as she put it, this might have been avoided or at least she could have been by his side sooner.  I tried explaining to her that accidents happen, but she didn’t want anything to hear of it.  Patrick on the other hand was already back to his normal schedule.  I was actually a little surprised when I found him wandering the halls of the Coliseum on Long Island on Saturday afternoon before our game against the Islanders.  “Patrick!” I yelled after him.

He turned around and put on a half smile.  He looked exhausted.  “Oh, hey Kris.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I can’t really do anything up in Toronto, so it’s just easier for me to be out and about,” he said honestly with a sad face.

“How is Brian?”

“The doctors say he is doing better, but with all the sedation it’s hard to see it.”

I nodded my head in understanding.

“I’m worried about Abby…” he suddenly spoke out.  “I know that this is a little different because Dad is going to have a better outcome than Brendan, but this is exactly how she acted after Brendan passed.”

“How do you mean?” I asked; also concerned because she sounded completely depressed every time we spoke.  Obviously she was going to be put out, but every time we spoke she sounded less and less like the Abby I had come to love.

“Abby blamed herself for Brendan’s death, even though it had absolutely nothing to do with her.  She also blamed the loss of the baby on herself; even though I’m fairly sure she did nothing wrong to cause the miscarriage.”

Whoa, miscarriage?!  “What miscarriage?” I asked in a voice that sounded less stunned than I felt at the moment.  She had never mentioned anything about a miscarriage.

Patrick looked up at me like he had let the canary out of the bag, not realizing it was never out in the first place.  “Um, last summer her and Trevor got pregnant by accident for lack of better terms…6 weeks later she miscarried.  Things were already strained between the two of them after Brendan’s death, but that was basically the straw that broke the camel’s back in their relationship.  I’m sorry I thought for sure she would have told you…” he apologized, looking terribly upset that he basically just ratted his sister out.

“Abby and I are still learning more and more about each other every day,” I said quietly, realizing there was a whole other part of her that I obviously had no clue about.  No wonder Tyler was more than just a little upset about me being with Abby.  I probably would have been a little more protective of Dawn if we had gone through something so tragic together.

“Well I will warn you now that I think she’s slipped back into her sad ways again,” Patrick said sadly while kicking at something on the floor.  “It sucks that all of this had to happen now because I think if you were able to be with her, she’d be a little better off.”

I knew he didn’t mean the words to be condescending, but unfortunately I took them as a kick in the stomach because I already felt bad about not being by her side and now hearing that from him made confirmed my original thoughts.  How was I supposed to take care of her when I couldn’t even be with her? 

“What about your job?” Jennifer asked worriedly as we sat down in the hospital cafeteria, Sunday morning.  “I can’t imagine them letting you off for a long period of time.”

“If I lose the job, I lose the job,” I shrugged as I took a bite of my sandwich.  I didn’t really have much of an appetite, but if I didn’t eat I wouldn’t ever hear the end of it from Jennifer.  In the last 5 days I probably only ate a total of 5 actual meals since I arrived.  I wasn’t hungry, plus my stomach was in such knots that I was fairly sure it wouldn’t allow me to keep much in it.  “I was actually debating on just moving back home here…”

“Why would you want to do that, Abby?  Up until the accident, it seemed you really enjoyed your life in Philly.”

“I do enjoy it, but I’ve missed so much by not being near my family…”

“Abby, we don’t expect you to be here for every little thing, you are an adult now and it’s only natural to have your own life,” Jennifer said soothingly as the tears began rolling down my cheeks.  I was an emotional mess, I was either walking around with my eyes dry and pasted open or the spigot was turned on and I was snotting and tearing up over every little word.  Kris would so be making fun of me right now with how terrible I look.

“Who says I can’t live my life right here in Toronto though?  I mean I could transfer up here for college, I can get just as good of an education up here…”

“But Drexel is such a wonderful school and you’ve been looking forward to going there since you started your under-grad, Abby.”

“But dreams change.”

“No, life changes, dreams don’t,” Jennifer said in her motherly tone.  “Abby, what about Kris?”

“Kris and I have been together for a couple weeks,” I said plainly, as if breaking up with him wouldn’t matter if it meant that I could be here for my family.

“Kris and you are perfect together.”

“I’m perfect together with my family,” I said continued to push my argument.  I was set in my thoughts and I wasn’t going to budge.  “Not having a boyfriend is not the end of the world.”

Jennifer looked at me as if she wanted to say more, but it was obvious she thought of it as hopeless and kept her mouth shut.  However, I could hear my heart crying out in hopes that she would just slap me out of my stupid thoughts.  Part of me believed that what I had with Kris could be life altering but the depressed, broken side of me was winning me over and said that my decision to stay in Toronto was the safest to make.  At the moment the safer route was all I was looking at.  Kris was still a chance, even though so far he had given me no doubts when it came to being serious about us.  Ever since he got back to Philly he had called me at least 2 times a day to check in and just talk to me.  I felt bad that I never said a lot, but Kris had no problem with keeping the conversation going for the both of us.  Later on that night was no different.

“Abby, you should have seen Mike after the game against Boston tonight; I thought for sure he was going to punch one of the reporters in the locker room.  He’s totally pissed about the team’s effort and to be honest, it’s a little scary.  I’m pretty sure his silence is more deafening than Phaneuf’s loud mouth.”

I giggled, thinking about how much Dion could out-talk the best of them and had a way of riling up the team by chirping loudly around the locker room.  “I believe that, Richie seems to be a very intense person who does not take his position lightly.”

“Oh for sure, that’s why I enjoy playing on the line with him…”

“You, JVR and Richie really seem to be clicking,” I said thoughtfully.  I had watched them on TV the last couple games and I was sometimes in awe with how the chemistry between the 3 of them was seemingly blossoming over night.

“We are.  I just hope whatever funk some of the guys are in right now, snaps so we can just focus on playing hockey and not worry about who is or is not working their hardest,” Kris sighed.  There was a quiet pause in the conversation and for some reason I had clue about what question was coming next.  “Abby, now that your dad is awake, when do you think you’ll be coming back here?”

I bit my lip and hunched over in the chair I was sitting in.  I was in the unit waiting room, but thankfully since it was so late, no one else was around.  I took a deep breath and said the words that I had rehearsed over and over again since I made up my mind earlier in the day.  “I’m not going to be coming back to Philly.  I’ve decided I’m going to stay here in Toronto, I need to be with my family.”

“Not coming back to Philly?  What about Drexel?” he asked, sounding surprisingly calm, but I could tell he was on edge.  If it was one thing I learned with Kris, he was very good at keeping his emotions in check, but then again the majority of hockey players were good at that.

“I’m just going to go to school up here…I can still get as good of an education up here.  An MBA is an MBA,” I said, knowing I was still trying to talk myself into believing my own words.

I heard him take a deep breath before asking the inevitable question, “And where does that leave us?”

“I don’t know,” I said so quiet that I wasn’t sure if he actually heard me.

“Abby, pushing me away isn’t going to change things,” he said in a tone that wasn’t scolding but firm enough to get his point across.

“I don’t expect it to change things, Kris.  I just feel that I need to be here with my family.”

“What would make you think that I wouldn’t be supportive in making sure you are with your family when you need to be?  I’m fairly sure I’ve proven that by flying you up to Toronto…”

“Please Kris, don’t make this harder.  This has nothing to do with you.  It has everything to do with me.”

“That is where you are wrong.  This has everything to do with you and me,” he said, emphasizing the ‘me’ part.  “This is about us, Abby.  You are obviously down about everything and rightfully so, but I’m here to help you with that.  I’m not Tyler, I’m not going to just walk away and forget about you.”

“I would never compare you to Tyler,” I said, obviously totally ignoring the words that he was willing to support me.  I didn’t want to hear anything that might un-make my mind up.  This was the decision I had made and I was going to stick with it.  In all honesty, I was down so deep that nothing Kris would say was going to make me change my decision.

“Ugh, Abby, what happened to my strong will, independent woman?” he murmured.

“I’m shattered, Kris.”

“Let me help put you back together again.  Please, don’t do this.”

“Thank you for everything Kris, I know that you will find someone to make you happy,” I said like a robot.

“You don’t mean that, Abby,” he said in a very emotional tone that hinted he too was now crying.

“Bye Kris,” I choked out before hitting the end button on my phone.